The Parent Trap

Last weekend, I took a trip to visit my family. The plan? Spend two nights at mom and dad's house and help my sister throw a small party to celebrate my niece's 5th birthday. And me being me, that meant tweeting the entire weekend via @howrudeareyou. For those who missed the fun, or simply want to relive it, I offer up this abridged edition of #FamilyVisit!

  

@howrudeareyou: Oh my god. Staring out the train window, half-asleep, caught myself singing along aloud with "Girl Put Your Records On." Mortified.

@howrudeareyou: My parents don't quite get the concept that when watching a movie, the people on TV are supposed to talk, not you.

@howrudeareyou: My dad wanders away for 10 minutes at a time, then comes back and asks what he missed in the movie. Then wanders out again.

@howrudeareyou: A crucial scene in the movie, and my folks are discussing dryer sheets.

@howrudeareyou: My parents are trying to give me their wi-fi password. Six guesses so far, none right. This could take a while.

@howrudeareyou: My 5-year-old niece redefines the term "rambunctious."

 @howrudeareyou: Apparent, my niece made her Elf on the Shelf cry last night.

@howrudeareyou: My mom has a running dialogue with herself. Maybe she thinks she's a Days Of Our Lives  character.

 @howrudeareyou: I've sold 11 copies of my book, Crimes Against Civility, so far. Mom said "We bought three!" yeah, that makes me feel better.

@howrudeareyou: My sister was going to buy a copy, but found out dad got extras. My own family is undercutting my sales.

@howrudeareyou: Apparently, there's a debate between my folks about whether a pair of jeans smell like gas despite bring washed. "Sniff this!"

@howrudeareyou: Mom wants to visit a much-mentioned cousin who quit her job. Where does she live? "Not sure." "What did she do?" "Not sure."

@howrudeareyou: My dad went to watch people do a polar plunge at the lake. I suspect he's hoping for some bikini action.

@howrudeareyou: As I'm making wings, ribs and enchiladas for tonight's gathering, dad is watching something on NPR about obesity in America.

@howrudeareyou: Oh dear. Cake time. Because the children need a sugar rush.

@howrudeareyou: These people just sang my niece the worst rendition of happy birthday I've ever heard. And by "these people" I mean my kin.

@howrudeareyou: My niece wound up on the naughty mat. Huh. That's not what I thought they were for.

@howrudeareyou: The theme of my niece's birthday party? Loud. Turns out, kids like to scream. A lot. As do adults when football is involved

@howrudeareyou: Following a touchdown, the adults reacted by screaming so loudly the kids came in and said, "Daddy, you need to stop screaming!"

@howrudeareyou: Sis and I gave mom and dad kindles as early Xmas presents. $200 kindle fire so mom can play free slots app.

@howrudeareyou: Mom turned the kindle sideways and the text adjusted. She squealed. "Your mother is easily amused," said dad.

@howrudeareyou: Mom is now talking to my niece, Kayla. Who is asleep. At my sister's house 10 miles away.

@howrudeareyou: My dad is snoring really loudly down the hall wait, that IS dad, right? Mom, is that you???

@howrudeareyou: I'm not sure what's going on, but my father is talking about a self-destruct button. Hope he doesn't find it.

@howrudeareyou: I thought my parents need hobbies. Turns out, they need to sleep more. It's 7 am, people! You're 70! Sleep in!

@howrudeareyou: Turns out that 70-year-old parents are a lot like newborns. When either wake up, so does everyone else. No volume control.

@howrudeareyou: Dad announced that while he doesn't usually like "lady tattoos", the woman's on the show American Picker's   look "like a nice necklace."

@howrudeareyou: Mom has implied several times that men in general - and dad in particular - stink. As in smell. I can't really argue with that.

@howrudeareyou: Mom took a picture of dad on the toilet with his laptop. "I like having something to read!" he said.