Want to see a Conservative Republican become apoplectic? Suggest that people should be allowed to make their own decisions.

They are Pro-life, not Pro-Choice. 

They rally around the Defense Of Marriage, not Equal Rights. 

They somehow think “don’t ask, don’t tell” is a better motto than “why should it matter?”

More often than not, conservatives prove they can’t be anything but right by breaking out the biggest of big guns: “God is on our side,” they will declare. Of course, just like in all of the examples above, this argument leaves no room for the possibility of dissent by those who either do not believe in God or do not accept the Daddy Fearest version put forth by those who would use him as a sword with which to smite their enemy. Their stance in all things is “my way or the highway… to hell!”

Want to see the radical right at work? 

Swing on over to the homepage of Donald Wildon’s rabidly anti-gay, anti-abortion,  anti-Democrat American Family Association and take a look at both the group’s causes and their coverage of world events. They call themselves ”America’s Largest Pro-Family Action Site,” but of course, families headed by same-sex couples need not apply. Because what they mean, silly rabbits, is pro… you know, normal families.

And trust us, they’re not above manipulating facts to make the world fit their view.

Take, for example, their long-running boycott of Pepsi for its “refusal to be neutral in the culture war over homosexuality.” Of course, neutrality isn’t really what the AFA is after, but rather, for the soda company to bend to their will. Upon learning that Pepsi had joined the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce, Wildmon and company met with the corporation’s big wigs to demand that they withdrawl any and all support of the group. During similar meetings with the corporate heads of McDonald’s, Wildmon is quoted as saying “McDonald’s strongly told us that they are reaffirming their commitment to — they called it — ‘diversity.’”

Notice the quotation marks around the word diversity. The site usees that technique a lot, using quote marks to show derision toward a word such as “diversity” or “gay” when in fact the word they should be putting quotes around is “neutrality.”

Did you see what they did there? Call for “neutrality” when in fact what they meant was “side with us or we will boycott you?”

Not surprisingly, the site is extremely friendly with the Fox News Network. In fact, a recent story ended by suggesting, without a bit of irony, that “more networks follow the example of FOX, and offer balanced news with a conservative bent.” Poor things don’t realize that news with a “conservative bent” isn’t “balanced.” But at least they know it’s all a game, because the same piece goes on to say that the brand of “news” Fox puts out there is “what’s selling.”

What they, like most members of the radical right, are selling is the idea that there are two Americas: One in which heathens run around making decisions for themselves, and the one in which God-fearing people allow their lives to be controlled as if they are members of a collective. Like the Borg of Star Trek fame, they believe “resistance is futile” and “discussion is irrelevant.”  

Somehow, members of the radical right forget that this country was born of a fiery rebellion against those who thought they could force us into seeing things their way. In this scenario, the radical right is the Kingdom of Great Britain or, to continue our previous analogy, the Borg. And perhaps it is in a line from that episode of Star Trek that those who refuse to be “assimilated” can take comfort.

“[They] have neither honor nor courage. That is our greatest advantage.”

Apparently, the much-discussed National Council for a New America is going to focus not only on “rebranding” the Republican party, but on redefining the meaning of the word “friend.”

The good news is that this will mean you can call pretty much anyone a friend without all that messy stuff like standing by them through thick and thin or even, heck, preventing yourself from trash-talking them or chucking ‘em under a bus in the name of political expediency!

For example, conservative republican mouthpiece Joe Wurzelbacher — you know, that plumber who asked then-Senator Barack Obama one question and somehow managed to parlay that into a job as Fox News Channel’s go-to guy for “real person” commentary? — refuses to let several of his friends anywhere near his children. And former presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani blew off the wedding of two pals who were there when he needed them most.

What do these good pals of Wurzelbacher and Giuliani have in common? They also happen to be friends of Dorothy.

“I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual,” proclaimed the plumber-turned-pitchman. “And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children.” Perhaps that explains why he said “I’ve had” as opposed to “I have.”

And despite the fact that Giuliani crashed with two of his gay buddies when his own marriage was on the rocks, the politician — whose vehement opposition to gay marriage would seem at odds with his own “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” approach to the institution — he was a “last-minute no-show” after being invited to their nuptials. “I danced at his wedding with Judith”, one of the grooms has been quoted as saying, “and it would have been nice if he’d danced at mine.”

We all know that friends don’t let friends drive drunk, but when did “friends don’t let friends love whom they choose to love” become an acceptable slogan?

If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.

Er, wait, no, that’s not right. 

How about this: If you can’t beat ’em, mock ‘em. 

That’s better! 

Proving that laughter is not only the best medicine but also an amazingly powerful weapon, the folks at funnyordie.com have put together a video response to the wildly offensive “Gathering Storm” commercial produced by the ironically-named National Organization for Marriage.

The original ad — perhaps best described by Stephen Colbert as being “like watching The 700 Club and The Weather Channel at the same time” — features paid actors warning that gay marriage will basically bring about the end of western civilization. 

 

Thanks to what Bill O’Reilly and his ilk will no doubt dub the “Hollywood liberal elite” — including Glee’s Jane Lynch, Alicia Silverstone and many other familiar faces – I proudly present perhaps the best fake political ad ever.

 

 
All I can say is… um… thank you, Hollywood liberal elite!