Today’s guest posting comes from Josh of Absurdly Awesome.com.
Ever since I was a young boy, I’ve enjoyed the hobby of golf. It was a fun and relaxing sport that got me out of the house and into my child-like idea of the “wilderness”. As I got older, I started to recognize the seedy underbelly of my favorite pasttime. Sure, it’s still an enjoyable experience, but like everywhere else, people have a way of partially ruining for me what should be a great experience.
There is a list of usual characters that you will cross paths with at every single golf course in the world, and I’d like to go over a few of them right now:
The Mower: Golf courses are so huge that they have a tendency to have lawn mowers running constantly. It’s not really a problem… until they drift off into their little grassy dream world and pay no attention to you. I’ve waited as much as 10 minutes, just staring at the lawn care (un)professional as he slowly mows down the center of the fairway. Now, with the way my golf game is lately, there is little chance I’d hit anywhere close to him, but his case isn’t helped by the fact that when he finally does see me, he just moves slightly over to the side and stares at me while I take my shot. Being a self-conscious mess — and having slight golfers stage fright – makes this one of my least favorite situations to be in.
"Just between you and me, the more you mess up the course, the more I get to mess with the golfer's heads."
The Impatient Driver: One of the only characters that can cause bodily harm or death by golf ball. Sometimes, the golf course can be moving super slow, leaving you in an endless cycle of hitting, then waiting 15 minutes for the people in front of you to play through the next hole. The impatient driver, however, tries to push through the pile by teeing off right into you. I’ve heard horror stories about people getting hit in the head by these complete idiots. I even been hit once myself. Luckily, the ball hit the ground and bounced once before catching me in the stomach. As I looked back, I noticed this particular impatient player had his kid with him. It’s a circle of rudeness that doesn’t seem likely to be broken anytime soon.
The Slow Olds: They take forever to hit their ball, require 20 minutes to look at the angle of every putt, put their huge cigars out on the tee boxes and would never even think about letting you play through. These “old slows” usually travel in packs of four — each driving their own cart – and can usually be found in their natural habitat, the local country club. There’s probably nothing more frustrating than getting behind a group of these guys on a golf course.
Honorable Mentions:
The Noobs: They yell constantly, throw their clubs, and dance around/tear up the greens when they make a foot-long putt. They also usually bring their own styrofoam cooler with their favorite cheap beer and urinate on every hole that doesn’t have a restroom nearby.
Little-Kid Parents: They bring out their seven-year-old kids who can only hit the ball five feet at a time and act like they’re playing in the Masters. They’re praying that their kid will be the next Tiger Woods, what with having given up their own quest for fame and fortune and placed their future hopes and dreams on their little ones.
"If you ain't bringing in 100k a year by the time you're 15, I will sell you into white slavery."
As much as I can’t stand this cast of characters whose discourteous actions tend to suck away at the enjoyment of others, I can’t help but want to golf every summer day that I have available. Sure, you hear golfers talk about being brought back by the one perfect shot they made the last time they were out, but it goes deeper than that for me. I keep going back for the very cute and sweet beverage-cart girl, who probably isn’t all that cute, but clouds my judgment with her rare golf-course etiquette and general politeness. She’s a beacon of light in the brutal, unforgiving sea of rudeness that is golf.
