Bundles of joy or emisary’s of evil?

"I am cute and adorable and if you say otherwise, I shall rally my minions to destroy you!"

I suppose it depends on your viewpoint. But since this is my page, I’m going with the latter. Feel free to comment to the contrary, but first, here me out. Because there’s a good reason why I despise your terrible tykes… several, actually.

1) They can’t be controlled. As spring approaches, I’m preparing to spend another torturous season of asking – and eventually warning – your children not to play in my driveway, bounce their ball against my house or pick vegetables out of my garden. Okay, sure, I don’t have a garden, but you get my point. I come off seeming like the block’s crazy curmudgeon simply for asking that my property not be treated like a playground for your kids. Why? Because I have no doubt that the second one of them trips and falls, y’all are gonna try and sue my butt.

2) They’re loud. I defy any willingly childless person – or even those who had kids who are now blissfully grown and out of the house – to tell me that they don’t flinch when parents with a caterwalling creature sit at the table next to you in a restaurant, or behind you on a plane. Yes, I know, they are children and that is what children do. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. And unless you’re the only parent on the planet who has never had to suppress the urge to scream “shut the hell up” at your own child, I don’t wanna hear any flak from you.

3) They’re rude. Tonight while shopping in a bookstore, I watched two pre-teens call a only-slightly-older boy “fag” as he tried to flip through a copy of The Advocate. Good job, boys. You just drove that guy so far into the closet that he’ll no doubt remain there until five or six years into his marriage, at which point he’ll finally get past the trauma and destroy the “happy” home he’s created. Worse, the mother of the big-mouthed kids laughed at their antics. I hope she understands the irony when her son and his pal being “experimenting” with one another.

“Yes, honey. Santa died for your sins.”

4) They bore me. Sorry, but I just don’t want to hear about Epiphany’s potty training or Mandarin’s soccer game. Pictures won’t help.

5) They make you boring. See #4, but remember when we used to talk about how hung over we are while trying to piece together what we did the night before.

6) They took you from me. I have friends who I only see when they are accompanied by their children. I have to go to them. Their children join us on every trip (which, to me, assures the vacation will be anything but relaxing). They forced you to give up that cool sportscar for a minivan.

So now maybe you can understand why I’m not so fond of your kids. Maybe if someone had taken them aside and taught them to be polite to not only their elders, but everyone… or that screaming isn’t the best way to communicate their needs… or that boundaries are to be respected… or that… Oh, wait… holy crap… I don’t hate your kids… 

Ritalin. When PB&J just won’t cut it any more.

… I hate you. 

Never mind.

Today’s post comes to us from special guest Totally Tyler, who believes that there are good children and good parents in the world… just not nearly enough of them. To submit a guest column, please see the Contact Us page. You can follow todays writer on twitter at totally_tyler. 

 I am a firm believer that the buck stops with the parents.

Despite the outside influences of television and magazines, we are the ultimate deciders in what our children eat, watch, and what they wear… or don’t wear for that matter. But while shopping for my nine-year-old daughter, Kali, over the past few weeks, I’ve witnessed a disturbing trend: inappropriate, sometimes sexually-tinged clothing and other items aimed at little girls.

It's "Oldest Profession In The World" Barbie!

I was even more disturbed to find that there’s a name for little girls who wear such things.

Prostitots.

A few weeks ago, I noticed an item in Sam’s Club that I considered buying for Kali. It was a pink container filled with beauty items. The box looked cheap and all the products inside were inappropriate: eye shadow, bright lipsticks and loud nail polish. According to the label, it was supposedly for girls my daughter’s age.

Again… Kali is nine!

I thought I could do better than the tacky-ho box, so I purchased a white box with polka dots and filled it with stuff I thought Kali would like, but more importantly, things that were more age-appropriate: fruit flavored lip balms, nail polishes in pinks and purples with sparkles, and bright-colored hair accessories, among other things. Not only was it cheaper to do it my way (Sam’s wanted $45 for their “beauty box”), but I controlled what Kali would be using to make herself pretty.

For instance, Walmart sells these lip glosses, lip balms, and nail polishes for little girls that cost 88 cents per item. Some of the lip glosses come on a little chain of beads that spell out words. I bypassed one that read, “Juicy” in favor of ones that said “cool”, “fun”, and “awesome.”

Why does a little girl need to have anything that says juicy? What’s that about?

This spring, the look is "predator-friendly!"

I am by no means an expert. Kali’s my first child and I’m learning as I go, but I’ve already decided on some things I can do to avoid turning Kali into a prostitot.

• Girls under 18 have no business wearing underwear with writing on them unless they’re under 7 and the words are the days of the week. (The latter is acceptable not because we expect anyone to see them, but because it helps in promoting good personal hygiene and learning the days of the week. Those of you without kids, I tell you this so you won’t be surprised when you realize that your own young children think that bathing and wiping are optional.)
• Speaking of underwear, girls under 16 don’t need thongs.

Pooh thongs? It was only a few years ago the pooh was in her diapers, not on her thong!

• Girls should not wear pants, shorts, or skirts with anything affixed to the ass. 12-year-olds don’t need hearts on their butt cheeks. And definitely no words. I saw a pair of jeans for young girls with the words “You wish” on the ass. Why? Good rule of thumb, Moms: Don’t draw attention to your daughters’ asses.
• If your daughter is under 16, stay away from clothes with the words SEXY, DIVA and/or HOT on them.
• No heels before middle school dances and even then they should be those low, boxy, Grandma heels.
• Under 16? No eye shadow, no blush, no eyeliner, no red nail polish, and this is just my own personal peeve: no perfume! Fruit scented lotions, however, are okay.
• A 5-year-old has no business in leopard print or fishnet.
• No one needs to see a 12-year-old’s belly button.
• Stay out of Limited Too.
• Do you really need to put your little girl in t-shirts with arrows pointing to their nether region?

I see a bright, shiny pole in her future.

• Body glitter is for strippers.

         They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, the rest of the folks can dress their kids any way they want, but one thing’s for sure: My daughter won’t be the town hooker. Not if I can help it!

Today’s guest author, Nina, is a 34-year-old mother, wife and writer who spends her days blogging, studying, changing diapers and watching ridiculous amounts of TV. She currently resides in Atlanta, Georgia, with her husband, two children and three TiVos. She regularly writes about parenthood, entertainment and life on her site, Blog It Out, Bitch, which can be found here. If you’d like to submit a piece for consideration, drop us a line at howruderyou@hotmail.com , noting the odd spelling of the E-mail address to avoid confusion.

Come on, speak up: Do I get to quit talking to my ex-husband and his wife once the kids are 18? Will his wife (you know, the homewrecker) quit talking crap about me to my kids and people she doesn’t realize are my friends? Will my kids figure out I don’t care if you made Daddy breakfast so she could sleep in, when i can’t get you to pick up your dirty laundry without threats of punishment? Ugggghhhh.

I am the single mom of 2 kids, I work full time and none the less, when my kids want to do an after school program or sport, I figure out if and how I can make it happen before the sign up. I find out cost, practice schedule and try to arrange with another parent a way for me to pick up part time and them to. Then I tell my children yes, we can make this work, go for it. Well I have spent this whole season with a child who isn’t mine becuase her parents let her sign up but they don’t have a car so can’t get her home, they can’t get her to games or home from them, they forget to pack her a lunch (I now just pack extra). I just don’t get it, why let your child do something you can’t and don’t support? UGHHHHHHH

That’s what my best friend calls her little girl when she’s being particularly fresh or rude.