Everything about her was loud, from the voice screeching into the cellphone plastered to her ear to the too-tight, brightly-colored outfit she was wearing.
Everything about her screamed, “Look at me!”
“Loud is my signature color!”
So of course, I did — as did several others — as she sashayed down the street. But when one passerby allowed their amusement at the woman’s obvious need for attention voice itself in the form of a guffaw, she snapped the cell phone closed, whirled dramatically (as if there were any other way for a creature such as herself to turn) and shouted, “What the hell are you looking at?”
Perhaps startled into honesty, the accused voyeur simply replied, “Um… you.”
At which point the object of everyone’s attention unleashed her not-so-inner drama queen in an attempt to tongue-lash everyone staring at her. Sadly (for her), it came off more Peg Bundy than Alexis Carrington than I imagine she was going for.
"Stop trying to make love to me with your eyes!"
Which brings us to this afternoon’s lesson… and it’s a simple one: If you bring attention to yourself, people are going to stare.
If you wear spandex when a muumuu is a more appropriate fashion choice…
… or walk around with muffin tops that did not come from a bakery…
… or regularly expose your moobs while engaging in PDA’s (Public Displays Of Ablessness)…
… or make the decision to take your wardrobe in a bold, unique direction…
… or don so much bling that sunlight hitting you at just the right angle can recreate the face-melting sequence from Raiders Of The Lost Ark…
… then people are, in fact, going to stare. And assuming you chose to don the wardrobe in question…
… you lose all right to complain about the looks you get. Now, if you happen to be a person who regularly, but accidentally, makes one of these fashion faux-pax, I’d humbly suggest that in the future, you solicit the help of a friend when shopping and/or dressing yourself.
But for those of you who slip into an outfit five-sizes too small, look into the mirror and — seeing that your backfat has been transformed into mud flaps — say to yourself, “Yup, that’s the look I was going for,” do the rest of us a favor: Don’t even pretend to be surprised — let alone offended — when we stare.
Because staring is only impolite when it isn’t done by invitation.
