I call l it the “I Give A Damn” program.

Imagine how much good we could do if every bad word uttered resulted in a quarter going toward a good cause. Together, we could prove that loose lips don’t just sink ships, they can, under the right circumstances, raise our collective consciousness.

Please help us in spreading the word and then go out and literally give a “damn” both about and to the charity of your choice!

Maybe it was inevitable that someone out there would plot revenge against the United States for having created The Weather Girls and stuck their megapopular tune “So Many Men (So Little Time)” deep into the psyche of anyone who heard it.

But it was, of course, the Canadians — those same sneaky folks who gave us Pamela Anderson, Anne Murray and even Peter North, a porn star whose legendary endowment has left many an American man feeling inferior — who found a way to turn that same weather from whence the literally-larger-than-life singers got their name against us.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present the folks at Raindrops, a seemingly innocuous umbrella maker out of Toronto who just happen to market a line of rain gear which succinctly — if not politely — offer up the typical reaction to a rainy day.

Of course, the real version doesn’t blur out the word. And while it’s an amusing sentiment, it also could result in some adults having to explain why the grouchy man stomping through the puddles has a very bad word on his umbrella. “Because they were all out of the nice Miss Piggy one you have,” I can just imagine a frazzled mom replying.

So that’s how it’s to be, Canada? We allow a group of animated, foul-mouthed children from South Park, Colorado to sing an off-color tune about you in an R-rated movie intended for adults (and send into the world the gayly melodic tunes of two plump women) and you retaliate with obscene raingear?

Well, we didn’t want to break out the big guns, but you have forced our hand. Do not say you weren’t warned.

That’s right, she’s all yours now. No take backs!

A whole lotta modern comedians could take a page out of Bill Cosby’s book.

Last night, the 71-year-old entertainer elicited howls of laughter from an audience without ever once uttering a profanity harsher than “damn.”

Let’s see Chris Rock do that.

The material was as old as the hills… and every bit as timely. Tales of the ways in which wives keep their husbands in line, the difference between the romantic notion of “growing old together” and the start reality of doing so and his progression from the teenage boy out to “get some” from a girl to the father determined to keep a teenage boy from “getting some” from his child.

And with a single word – “Dentists” — he sent many members of the audience into anticipatory giggle fits as they recognized the opening word to this classic routine:

 

I’ll put that up against this profanity-heavy Chris Rock skit anyday:

 

Which brings me to an interesting story about Mr. Rock.

Several years ago, friends and I went to a comedy club in midtown Manhattan to see Janeane Garofalo perform. Now, as a side note, shortly after walking in, a buzz went through the room and it quickly became apparent that there was a celebrity in our midst. Craning my neck to the left and right, I tried to figure out who it might be, but saw not a single familiar face.

“Excuse me,” said one very excited middle-aged woman who’d obviously worked up the nerve to speak to me, although why I couldn’t imagine.

“Yes?” I replied.

“I just love you on Sex & The City!”

Huh. This was an unexpected twist. “Excuse me?” I said, wondering which of the assorted men in Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Mirada’s lives she had mistaken me for. (Ego deflation in 5…4…3…2… )

“You’re Stanford… the gay guy, right?”

Wa-wa-wa-waaaaaaa.

Now for those who do not know me, I’ll admit that there is a passing resemblance. Stanford and I are both what I generously call “balding.” We are both of… less-than-statuesque stature. We both… oh, fine, it’s not the first time I’d been mistaken for him.

So much for our celebrity siting.

But I digress.

As the show was about to start, the MC came out to announce that there was a very special guest in the house — I won’t lie… thinking he, too, mistook me for Stanford, I slouched down — and that they were going to try out some new material for us.

Out came Chris Rock, must to our shock. For the next 30 minutes, he had the audience in stitches with material he was trying out for his upcoming HBO special, Bigger & Blacker. Kids, this material was funny as hell. And much to my surprise — based on having seen Rock’s past HBO specials — it was almost entirely profanity free.

Flash-forward several months to the actual Bigger & Blacker special, where Rock performed the exact same routines… except with about 5,432 profanities per second. And you know what? It just wasn’t as funny.

Anyone who knows me is well aware that I know a thing or two about obscene compound-adjectives and their use. So let’s not think this is me being prudish, cause I assure you I could easily make most of you blush with a certain story involving my friend Tyler, a few cocktails and the head of an R2D2 doll.

But the point is this: Someone once said that the use of profanities is the sign of a weak mind. I’ll go one further and say that the use of profanities by a comedian indicates a lack of faith in their material.

Just ask the Cos.

 

“Obscenity is the sign of a weak mind trying to express itself.” — Anonymous

What do you get when you combine the summer solstice and an entire nation simultaneously attempting to go 24 hours without swearing?

What we here at howrudeareyou.com are dubbing The Longest Darn Day of the Year.

“Indecency, vulgarity, obscenity… these are strictly confined to man; he invented them. Among the higher animals there is no trace of them.” — Mark Twain

On June 21st, we’re asking that everyone do their non-four-letter-best to go the entire day without swearing.

Obviously, that’s going to be a whole lot easier for some than others. (We know of at least two people who might want to consider scheduling some kind of medical procedure which would render them unconscious for extended periods on that day. But the chances of Mom and Dad agreeing to do so are pretty slim… )

“Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst!” — George Farquhar

Others might find that the key to enduring The Longest Darn Day of the Year lies in their turning this private challenge into a public spectacle. You can make a sporting event out of the day — and maybe even raise a little money for a good cause — by starting a betting pool on how long you’ll be able to avoid dropping an F-bomb. (But beware: This is the equivalent of a rail-thin woman announcing to her overweight officemates that she’s starting a new diet, thus inspiring them to bring in every tasty treat known to man in an attempt to sabotage their nemesis. Your so-called friends and family will likely push every button you have — and install a few new ones — in an effort to summon forth an obscenity or two!)

The point of the exercise is two-fold: It will actually force us to think not only about what we say and how we say it but also about how commonplace profanity — once considered an indicator of one’s class or lack thereof — has become.

“The foolish and wicked practice of profane cursing and swearing is a vice so mean and low that every person of sense and character detests and despises it.” — George Washington

And who knows? In the end, perhaps The Longest Darn Day of the Year will inspire some of us to kick the obscenity habit the way Smokeout — the American Cancer Society’s annual attempt to help folks stop puffing — gives people an opportunity to take that first step toward quitting cigarettes for good.

After all, both are bad habits which involve individuals using their mouths to spew forth something nasty that many of those around them don’t appreciate having forced upon them… right? 

So spread the word, and let’s see if we can’t make The Longest Darn Day of the Year just a little bit more pleasant for all of us. 

Join howrudeareyou.com in spreading the word about The Longest (Darn) Day of the Year, and check back regularly for updates — including tips on how to survive the day and suggested alternatives for your favorite curse words — as June 21 gets closer!