I am a 35 year old man in New York City, and like most New Yorkers, I have a roommate. She is 45. You’d think that she would behave as an adult. You’d think I’d get treated as an adult. That is not the case. I just walked into the living room and said her name, in preparation to ask her a question. She curtly ’shushed’ me like I was an unruly child and gestured toward the television to let me know I was interrupting her program. I feel belittled and angry.

I’m lying here wide awake at 7 a.m., wondering why my roommate has gone to the bathroom four times in the last 20 minutes. Could it be the three pots of coffee that she drinks every morning? Hey, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go, but we have paper thin walls. Does she have to slam the bathroom door every time and drop the toilet seat instead on gently putting it down? I’m not saying she should ease up on the coffee consumption (or am I?) but I shouldn’t have to be woken up whenever her colon gets spastic.

I recently moved into roommate situation in a New York City apartment. I pay half the rent, yet my roommate is failing to give me half the space. There are three closets, all of which are filled with her belongings, and I have maybe 25% of the shelf space in the kitchen, fridge, and bathroom medicine cabinet to call my own. She is a pack rat and refuses to throw anything away to make room for me. What should I do?

My roommate has very long hair and she sheds everywhere. It seems she should be bald by now. It’s bad enough that I find her hair clinging to my clothes, but it clogs the drain in the shower and I am constantly fingering wet clumps of hair out of the drain. I really wish she would do this herself after her showers.

Dear Roommate,

Frak you for the following reasons.

1. I pay rent too
2. I am not a child
3. There is more to life than Madonna

That is all.